The funny side of love
by Tom Felton's stalker
Summary: looking at the funny side of romance through Hermione and Draco. NOT A CLICHE. humour, hilarity and romance.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one: Hermione

Okay so don't ask me how it happened. No really don't.

Well, since your so persistant……

I was simply sat in the library, innocent (most of the time!) little me. With my homework and my books, studying late into one Friday night as I had fallen a little behind on my work load, since the beginning of what I call the "Hogwarts, sex and the city, girls club", basically its all us Gryfindor girlies. At least one of us always has a new man and sex stories to tell, hence I related it to the muggle t.v. show, sex and the city. Anyways after nights drinking with them, with him and all my other social stuff, im sorry to say, that my work began to slip a little, so here I am on a Friday night, single and in a library, while my girlfriends are partying it up in the Gryfindor girls dorm. Anyway……

There was only myself left in the library, Madame Prince had given me a key AGES ago, and trust me I was lucky I was a geeky first year, I mean what teacher would check in the library while its locked? These tables and bookcases had seen a little bit of action, trust me. I was startled when I heard a distinct cough behind a bookcase, panicked I rose quietly from my chair wand raised, ready for (what in my head was a death eater) but whoever was waiting around that corner.

A pale hand reached out and wrapped its long fingers around my wrist.

"Careful mudblood, you might take a handsome eye out with that,"

Ugh. It was the-git-who-shalt-not-be-named

"We can pray," was the only come back that sprung to mind.

"Do you prey a lot about being in this situation?" I was about to ask him what the hell he was talking about when I realised he still had a hold on my wrist and that we were stood about 10 inches apart…..with the git leaning closer and closer, inch by inch until his lips were just half an inch away from mine.

"May i?" I was thrown by this, I could feel his breath tickeling my lips, as he had just asked for permission. I was stuck, I didn't know what to say, I nervously licked my lips, I had been in this situation so many times, but with him it seemed different. For no reason that I know a nodded my head dumbly a few times before feeling his beautiful, soft velvety lips sweep down upon my own. God, it was like tasting heaven. I wrapped my arms around his muscular body and felt him pull me so close to me I could feel every one of his chest muscles pressed against me. He began to lower me onto a nearby table until I was sat down and he was kneeling down over me, pushing me further down, whilst continuing his ever glorious attack of my lips. And then I felt it. Every inch of his huge rock hard man hood pressed against the exact area I wanted it to go. And do you want to know what I went a bloody did? Do you?

I farted.


	2. post farting

After trying to write a Hermione/Draco before I realised im not the type to write about the idealistic type of love, so here it is, my look at what falling in love is actually like. So basically NOT A CLICHÉ!

Chapter two: draco

I froze in the middle of our kiss. Did I just hear THE Hermione Granger do what I think I just heard her do? My face, that had been frozen solid, cracked into a wide grin, as Granger watched my face carefully.

I watched her face turn a Weasley shade of red. Hey she should of counted herself lucky, at least it didn't smell! I mean god she acted like she just flashed a teacher for crying out loud! Actually that would be pretty funny to see Snape's face if she did. Yeah, yeah. Especially if it was in the middle of potions or something, she'd just whip off her top and poing! Instant Snape heart attack! I wonder what her breasts really look like… oh crap im still grining at her like a mindless idiot…quick say something!

"Wow, Granger, you're the first girl I've don't that with that conbustes when they felt how big I was," I said laughing to myself. Why was that the only thing I could think of to say? Idiot.

"Oh fuck off Malfoy." Okay, I don't think I deserved that.

"Is this how you try and win all your dates over? Gas them so they pass out?" Okay now I felt a little bad cause she was looking a little hurt, but she did tell me to f off.

I watched her gather up her books off the table, stuff them into her brown school bag, swing it over her shoulder and storm out the door. Wow, girls are moody, they blame their periods or men, I just think they are crap excuses for avoiding the fact that all women are as mad as bloody hatters!

Hermione

Oh god, oh god. Why oh why did I do that? Its like my bodily functions are set to "Hermiones alone so let rip". Oh god, by tomorrow the whole school will know that im a farter! All the slytherins will blow rasberrys when I enter the room.

As I approached the Gryfindor common room, I could hear all the boys trapped in the common room, while all the girls partied in their dorms upstairs. I took a deep breath, whispered the password, and took a step inside. It was time for my very best friend. The one who had been there through every break up, every failure and every happy moment of my teenage life. Vodka. And the girls of course.

Draco

I stepped into Pansy's bedroom floor, my legs still shaky after an incredible orgasm. Yep, the whore of slytherin was certainly worthy of her title. I watched her roll over in her sleep to cover the warm space I had just left on her bed. God she had sex like a man, as soon as the orgasms were over it was out you go, she wanted to go to sleep, and in under 30 seconds she was doing just that. So this is how women feel.

I started to waddle towards my clothes, I was still a bit wet down there, as I stepped forward I felt my foot squelch on something slimy and my legs reach the air as my head smacked Pansy's bedside cabinet, knocking me out cold.

I had just slipped on my own bloody condom.


	3. fix you

Chapter three: fix you

Draco awoke with a screaming headache, it was like a house elf was using one of those toffee hammers to bash his brains for revenge. He slowly cracked open one eye and got a glimpse of Pansy's pug face hovering above his. Oh jesus, maybe he was better off unconscious.

"Drakey? Drakey are you awake?" she cooed to him.

"Er…..yeah," was all he could think of to reply. Right now think. What happened? Pansy. Sex. Black. Now we know she wasn't that good. So what happened? Pansy flung her arms around Draco, turning the hammering to drilling. Draco could almost picture some house elf high as a kite using a drill like a po-go stick on his brain. Yeah, he really needed a doctor.

"Oh drakey, I was so worried about you! You slipped on our condom and knocked yourself out on my chest of drawers!" Draco groaned, if he had had the energy to blush he would have, instead he resorted to a groan. His reputation was in tatters.

Hermione necked back yet another shot of vodka and stepped onto the bed to dance with lavender just as Sean Paul's new song came on their magical stereo. Some of the other girls jumped onto the other beds. Ginny was against a far wall, passed out or fast asleep one could only guess. Padma had ended the night early by dragging her sister to the prefects bathroom so she could puke her dinner up. Mmm….steak and kidney pudding, chips and mushy peas.

"Why is it you always throw up mushy peas first?" asked Hermione curiously, watching a fifth year girl charm away Parvati's green puke.

"Ew! Herms!" Lavender squeeled giggling.

As the clock started to chime midnight, the classic witching hour, the withes in the girls dormitory began to say their goodbyes and go to bed, leaving Hermione and Lavender alone, the other seventh year girls being elsewhere.

"So Herms, I thought you were in book worm mode tonight?" said lavender whilst poaring them both a shot of peach achers.

"I was, I really was, but erm there was an incident," Hermione whispered blushing.

"Do tell, do tell, I want all the juicy details," both girls drained their shot glasses and made slight faces over the strong tasting liquer.

"Well, I was in the library, all alone, and then I heard someone behind me, it turned out to be Malfoy.."

"Mmm yummy," said lavender dreamily.

"Focus!" Hermione yelled at her equally drunk friend " so anyway we have a spat, then suddenly were snogging and I feel the whole package pressed against me and…."

"and?" lavender prompted

"and….well…"

"Jesus don't keep me in suspense Hermione"

"I farted," Hermione finished. For a brief moment Lavender's face remained void of emotion, and then her face split into a wide grin, and she began splitting her side laughing. Hermione scowled, grabbed her bottle of peach archers and left the dormitory.

Draco stumbled down yet another long black corridor. God he needed some help here, his eyes seemed to be going round and round, but he couldn't have taken any more "drakey this" and "drakey that" so he had left Pansy's room, and was now stumbling around the school in the dark.

As he turned the corner he saw a soft glowing light coming from the bottom of one flight of stairs, as he began to sway towards it, he briefly registered in the back of his mind that someone was crying.

"Granger?" he said stunned, holding his balance on the banister. His eyes took in her crying form and the half finished bottle of archers sat proudly at her side like somekind of mascot.

"Go away Malfoy! I can't take anymore mocking today!" she shrieked before dissolving into another fit of hysterics.

"Shut up granger! Your going to wake half the bloody school up!" this seemed to quieten her.

"What do you want Malfoy?" she demanded, and took a large swig from her bottle, shuddering slightly at its hairspray taste, making draco smile.

"Look, I'm sorry Granger okay? I acted wrongly. I mean everybody farts?" Draco received silence in return. When he turned to face her the bushy haired girl was fast asleep. Oh great. Now what did he do?


	4. authors note

Authors note:

Right guys I am struggling for some ideas and having some serious writers block, so I want you to email me any funny situations that have happened to you (romantic or not it doesn't matter) and I will incorporate them into the story.

Email me at Not the one off my info page, I will not receive any email sent to the address linked with this account.

Thank you!


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